happy 2011

Last night as I was watching the birth of 2011, I naturally reflected back to the birth of 2010 and years prior.  There are few new years eve's that I actually remember - not because of my intoxicated state and wild party hats and horns (that was just last year), but because they're mostly uneventful for me.  The crowning of 2011 will be remembered because of where I am, not because of what I did.  And that seems to be a recurring theme.

When I was married, most of my NYE's were spent alone, or sitting at a table watching everyone else kiss while my then-husband was on stage singing Auld Lang Syne.  I think only once were we out for the evening that he was not the entertainment, so it was usually a depressing sort of time for me.  Mostly, I stayed at home with the kids, knowing that midnight wasn't bringing anything special anyway, so why go to the trouble?

My post-divorce NYE's have mainly been alone, trying to stay awake - or not - counting the evening as a blessing because I didn't have to work the next morning.  For most of the past 10 years, the days from Christmas Eve to January 2 have been time off from work, which is always something to be thankful for.  This year is no exception - because of unused vacation days, I've been off work since 12/22, and don't return until the 4th.  Still, it's not long enough and the days have flown by like birds I've tried unsuccessfully to catch and hold.

The most memorable NYE is 2008-2009, which is the year I quietly cried at midnight while listening to my mother gasp for each breath as she lay dying.  I volunteered to spend the evening at her bedside so that my brothers could spend the time with their families.  If I'm being honest, I cried not so much for her as for myself, spending what should be a joyous occasion in a hospital with someone who, had she been conscious, wouldn't have known who I was.  I was jealous of those who were, as the clock ticked over to the new year, having fun and being loved, surrounded by people who, if they weren't quite coherent it wasn't because life was slowly leaking away from them.  It was hard enough to have seen my mother lose the recognition of her family and friends while keeping the vibrant enthusiasm she had for life, but to hear with each struggling breath the tick of the death beetle and sit helplessly by, and on such as symbolic evening, was almost too much.  All I could hope for was that father time would take her with him and he passed by, which he eventually did.

This year, as 2010 gave way to 2011, I found myself feeling thankful that I am here, that I know those I love, that I have memories good and bad, that I am capable of new adventures, and that I have more of life ahead of me.  I know that it could end at any second, but it's not obviously eminent.  My daughter is not at my bedside praying that relief come soon for us both.  Rather, I have a new life to welcome into the world in a few months, a year of new experiences ahead, and the hope that all who I know and love will find that 2011 brings much joy and opportunity.  My life, however simple, is good.  That's all I need to take with me into a new year.